I am an insecure woman.
I know I am not alone in this, but I often feel alone. I know a few people who seem genuinely pleased when they see me, but I am not exactly the most sought out by any stretch of the imagination. I do not make friends, or keep them, easily. I am constantly second guessing myself, wondering if I am truly welcome or merely being tolerated because of common courtesy. It is hard to believe that someone would actually desire my company and I often find myself feeling honored by the slightest bit of attention thrown my way. As if I am not worth knowing or spending time with, willing to accept any crumbs offered to me from the table of friendship.
Pretty pathetic, I know, but at least it’s honest.
All my life I have craved the kind of friendship found in the books I read as a child. A Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley or a Honey Wheeler to my Trixie Belden. A heartfriend that knew me intimately and gave me the ultimate title of Best Friend. Not only in spite of my quirks and craziness but because of them. I have had many wonderful women drift in and out of my life over the years, but never one who I felt confident enough to consider a Best Friend, mostly because I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of relationship.
I have a great connection with my husband and we are very, very close. But I still crave the kind of female companionship I have always dreamed of. This morning I asked myself, does this kind of sisterhood really exist? I honestly believe it does, although it is not something I have enjoyed myself. I find myself feeling jealous of the closeness I see that other women seem to have…a special buddy who feels deeply connected to them, and they feel the same way about her. Don’t get me wrong, I do know a few women that would probably go out to coffee if I asked them to, but I am usually the one that does the asking. I feel like I’m too needy and badgering them if I ask too often. I feel a little bit sad that I have to try so hard at this, which feeds into my insecurity, big time.
Why is this so hard? I know I am loved by my family. I feel confident in that, as well as my relationship with God, so why is this so drastically different?
Do you struggle with this? If so, how do you cope with it? If not, how do you feel confident in your friendships with women? Do you have any advice you can share with women like me?
I guess my pyramid still needs a little more work.