How does an insecure woman make (and keep) friends?

I am an insecure woman.

I know I am not alone in this, but I often feel alone. I know a few people who seem genuinely pleased when they see me, but I am not exactly the most sought out by any stretch of the imagination. I do not make friends, or keep them, easily. I am constantly second guessing myself, wondering if I am truly welcome or merely being tolerated because of common courtesy. It is hard to believe that someone would actually desire my company and I often find myself feeling honored by the slightest bit of attention thrown my way. As if I am not worth knowing or spending time with, willing to accept any crumbs offered to me from the table of friendship.

Pretty pathetic, I know, but at least it’s honest.

All my life I have craved the kind of friendship found in the books I read as a child. A Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley or a Honey Wheeler to my Trixie Belden. A heartfriend that knew me intimately and gave me the ultimate title of Best Friend. Not only in spite of my quirks and craziness but because of them. I have had many wonderful women drift in and out of my life over the years, but never one who I felt confident enough to consider a Best Friend, mostly because I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of relationship.

I have a great connection with my husband and we are very, very close. But I still crave the kind of female companionship I have always dreamed of. This morning I asked myself, does this kind of sisterhood really exist? I honestly believe it does, although it is not something I have enjoyed myself. I find myself feeling jealous of the closeness I see that other women seem to have…a special buddy who feels deeply connected to them, and they feel the same way about her. Don’t get me wrong, I do know a few women that would probably go out to coffee if I asked them to, but I am usually the one that does the asking. I feel like I’m too needy and badgering them if I ask too often. I feel a little bit sad that I have to try so hard at this, which feeds into my insecurity, big time.

Why is this so hard? I know I am loved by my family. I feel confident in that, as well as my relationship with God, so why is this so drastically different?

Do you struggle with this? If so, how do you cope with it? If not, how do you feel confident in your friendships with women? Do you have any advice you can share with women like me?

I guess my pyramid still needs a little more work.

2 thoughts on “How does an insecure woman make (and keep) friends?

  1. I relate to your post. While I consider myself to be secure and confident in who I am (and my relationship with God), I would say I feel very insecure when it comes to friends. I think the key issue for me, is that I am not your typical woman in a variety of ways – and I am fine with that – but it makes it hard for me to relate to other women.

    My husband (with whom I have a close relationship, as you do with yours) says that he thinks/observes that I intimidate some women – but not in the traditional sense of being intimidating. I am not overpowering, in fact I am a quiet natured introvert, but I am well read, academically inclined, and appreciate deeper conversation. I approach life in a thoughtful way. I have little interest in certain more superficial things that can dominate some female conversation. I hope I don’t sound like a snob, and I don’t think I am, but I often find myself on a different wave-length. I am also not a mother and it seems the identity of too many women can be entirely in their motherhood – and since I don’t have kids to talk about, that can make it hard to connect as well.

    That said, I have been fortunate enough to have one best friend in life. We were best friends about 25 years and I thought this would be my one life-long friend, and sadly that friendship ended. That’s another story, but my friend just communicated less and less, and became non-responsive to my communication. I honestly don’t know what happened, which in a way makes it worse. The loss of this friend was very painful.

    I do have one good friend now. She is not intimidated by me, in fact, she’s says I am a unique friend that she is glad God has brought in to her life – as she really appreciates my thoughtful ways. But since she is really my only friend (and she has many established, long term friends), I am cautious. I don’t want to be needy. Etc.

    “Don’t get me wrong, I do know a few women that would probably go out to coffee if I asked them to, but I am usually the one that does the asking.” – Same here.

    I am an introvert, yet I have often stepped out of my comfort zone, and made the first attempts at friendship with someone. But too often there is no reciprocity. If I meet someone new, and think this could be a potential friendship, I will initiate about 3 times. If they do not initiate back then I just don’t see it as a developing friendship, as it is one-sided, and I stop initiating, and never hear from them again. My current one good friend that I mention above was an exception – she initiated back!

    Throughout my life, friends that I have had for a time, it was because I initiated and then mostly kept it going. It is hard to keep a friend! I should not have to try so hard! I relate to your insecurity and frustration here. If it is mostly me having to maintain the so-called friendship, is it even really a friendship? There should be some mutual care, and there is little. If I suddenly dropped out of life, hardly anyone would check in on me or even notice. Like you, I often find myself feeling honored by the slightest bit of attention thrown my way. Sigh.

    Well, this sure was wordy, I guess I will post it! I have no advice, but relate.


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